Remember me

Hello my dearest family & friends,   Our middle son, Steven, left Sunday afternoon (June 3, 2007)  with his recruiting sergeant to go to his basic training in Ft. Sill, Oklahoma. Needless to say I was missing him and was weepy before he even left.   He called us Sunday night from the Hilton they have him in to let us know what was going on and all of that.   He spent the ENTIRE day today at the airport in Indianapolis. His flight was scheduled to take off at 6PM this evening, taking him into Dallas, TX and then hopping a commuter to Ft. Sill. At the very last minute, his flight was canceled. I'm so thankful I got to talk to him again today though.   He's going to call us tomorrow with his new flight plans. He will be on his way at some point tomorrow. He will get to call us when he gets to Ft. Sill to let us know he got there okay. Then we won't get to talk to him again until his graduation from Basic Training. We can write to him though! If you would like to write to him you can email me your letters and I can include them with mine or you can email me privately for his address so you can mail them to him yourself. Every letter he gets will help him make it through basic.   I feel bad for all those kids that will be in basic. You know they get awfully homesick. But I am extremely proud as well, ya know?   I'm missing him so much... I don't even want to think about then next nine or so weeks. *sniff*   A dear friend sent me the following and this is IMPORTANT! I agree with her that every single person in the USA should watch this.   Get a hankie ready. I cried. It's something that you can watch and while you may feel a little sadness, the feeling of pride that courses through you is unmeasurable.   Love, Stormy      Absolutely fabulous! Everybody in the U.S. should see this.      Subject: a U-Tube film short by a 15 year old girl      The following is the hottest thing on the internet and on Fox News      today.      Lizzie Palmer who put this You Tube program together is 15 years old.      There have been over 3,000,000 hits as of this morning. In case you missed it, here it is.       http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1

I'm changing blogging sites

Hello friends,   I will be blogging only on myspace fro now on. If you're interested come on by www.myspace.com/stormyshewolf   Thanks, Stormy     3D Chat!!!!   Ya gotta try this IM program!!! It's the best I have ever tried & I've tried them all! This is the only IM I will ever use again!!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!

Mothers   This is for the mothers who have sat up all  night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with  Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's alright honey,  Mommy's here."     Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on  end soothing crying babies who can't be  comforted.     This is for all the mothers who show up at  work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and  diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make  cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who  DON'T.   This is for the mothers who gave birth to  babies they'll never see.  And the mothers who took those  babies and gave them homes.  And for the mothers who lost  their baby in that precious 9 months that they will never get to watch  grow on earth but one day will be reunited with in  Heaven!   This is for the mothers whose priceless art  collections are hanging on their refrigerator  doors.     And for all the mothers who froze their buns  on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching  from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you  see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it  for the world," and mean it.     This is for all the mothers who yell at  their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they  stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before  dinner.  And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.     This is for all the mothers who sat down  with their children and explained all about making  babies.  And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to, but  just couldn't find the words.     This is for all the mothers who go hungry,  so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight,  Moon" twice a night for a year.   And then read it  again.  "Just one more  time."     This is for all the mothers who taught their  children to tie their shoelaces before they started  school.  And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro  instead.     This is for all the mothers who teach their  sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.     This is for every mother whose head turns  automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though  they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at  college.     This is for all the mothers who sent their  kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE  once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an  hour later asking them to please pick them up.  Right  away.     This is for mothers whose children have gone  astray, who can't find the words to reach  them.   This is for all the step-mothers who raised  another woman's child or children, and gave their time, attention, and  love... sometimes totally unappreciated!     For all the mothers who bite their lips  until they bleed when their 14-year-olds dye their hair green.     For all the mothers of the victims of recent  school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the  shooting.     For the mothers of the survivors, and the  mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child  who just came home from school, safely.     This is for all the mothers who taught their  children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a  war.     What makes a good Mother  anyway?  Is it  patience?  Compassion?  Broad hips?  The  ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?  Or is it in her  heart?  Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or  daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the  very first time?  The jolt that takes you from sleep  to   dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put  your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?  The panic, years  later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear  their key in the door and know they are safe again in your  home?   Or the need to flee from wherever you are  and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a  child dying?   The emotions of motherhood are universal and  so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes  and sleep deprivation..  And mature mothers learning to let  go.   For working mothers and stay-at-home  mothers.   Single mothers and married  mothers.     Mothers with money, mothers  without.     This is for you  all.     For all of  us.     Hang in  there.     In the end we can only do the best we  can.     Tell them every day that we love  them.     And pray.

Where Have All the Leaders Gone? - Excerpt from Lee Iacocca

A bit of a rant but I think it makes sense....... This is an excerpt from Lee Iacocca's "Where Have All the Leaders Gone?". Hopefully you share his rage. But, beyond the rage, he poses a few questions by which to test candidates for yourself. Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course." Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned Titanic. I'll give you a sound bite: Throw the bums out! You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore. The President of the United States is given a free pass to ignore the Constitution, tap our phones, and lead us to war on a pack of lies. Congress responds to record deficits by passing a huge tax cut for the wealthy (thanks, but I don't need it). The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving pom-poms instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of America my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you? I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have.[...] The Biggest C is Crisis Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down. On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. Where was George Bush? He was reading a story about a pet goat to kids in Florida when he heard about the attacks. He kept sitting there for twenty minutes with a baffled look on his face. It's all on tape. You can see it for yourself. Then, instead of taking the quickest route back to Washington and immediately going on the air to reassure the panicked people of this country, he decided it wasn't safe to return to the White House. He basically went into hiding for the day Cheney to stay put in his bunker. We were all frozen in front of our TVs, scared out of our wits, waiting for our leaders to tell us that we were going to be okay, and there was nobody home. It took Bush a couple of days to get his bearings and devise the right photo op at Ground Zero. That was George Bush's moment of truth, and he was paralyzed. And what did he do when he'd regained his composure? He led us down the road to Iraq road his own father had considered disastrous when he was President. But Bush didn't listen to Daddy. He listened to a higher father. He prides himself on being faith based, not reality based. If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will. A Hell of a Mess So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership. But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders gone?" Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, competence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point. Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened. Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm. Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time. Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when "the Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen about it? Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry. I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bobblehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change? Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises Depression, World War II, the Korean War, the Kennedy assassination, the Vietnam War, the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this: You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to action for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the horseshit and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had enough. Excerpted from Where Have All the Leaders Gone?. Copyright © 2007 by Lee Iacocca. All rights reserved.

Guest Book of Virginia Tech...

Someone was kind enough to create a Guestbook for the families, Faculty and students at VPI, in Blacksburg, VA. As of today, there are over 2228 pages signed by people all over the world sending their thoughts and prayers.... Let's make a few more pages of prayers for them, shall we?... Just click on the link below…   http://www.legacy.com/oklahoman/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=87298850

Being Easter and all...

There's something I don't quite understand. Why did God allow his son, Jesus Christ, to be crucified so that he (God) would forgive the world's population of their sins? I mean, why couldn't have God forgave our sins without his son having to die? God is supposed to be a loving God and a forgiving God. So why did Jesus have to bare the torture he did and die like he did in order for God to forgive all sinners? And another thing I don't quite understand... If God is such a loving and forgiving God, then why are we supposed to fear him? Here is something I heard on a TV show... "God doesn't cause or allow bad things to happen; they just do and when they do his heart hurts just like ours." I'm sorry, I can't remember what program I was watching or who said it. I want to say it was on the Today show when they interviewed a Priest and a Rabbi at the same time.  I'm a subscriber of the following and get daily inspirational emails from them and the one I got today I wanted to share... Tell me what you think. From The Daily Encounter Inspirational Email list... http://www.actsweb.org/daily_encounter.php "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."1 According to Doug Batchelor in his book, Broken Chains, "There's a story about two Filipino brothers, identical twins, who lived in Manila and made their living by driving jeepneys, Filipino taxis.* Though they were twins and had similar jobs, they lived very different lives. One was married and had children; the other was single. Then one day, the married brother accidentally struck and killed a tourist with his taxi. Accused of reckless driving, the twin was sentenced to twenty years in the notorious Manila prison—a devastating fate that would leave his wife and children without an income. "One day, his twin came to visit him in prison. He said, 'Brother, your family desperately needs you. Put on my clothes and take my visitor's pass and I will put on your prison uniform and serve the rest of your sentence. Go to your family.' So, while the guards were not looking, the twins exchanged clothes, and the married brother walked out of the prison unchallenged. Do you think the twin who was freed could ever stop thinking about the sacrifice that his brother made in trading places with him?"2 Though having limitations it is still a powerful illustration of what Jesus Christ did for you and me at Easter time 2,000 years ago when he exchanged places with you and me and died in our place on the cross of Calvary. He did this out of his great love for us to pay the penalty for all of our sins, so we could be freely forgiven by God and receive his gift of eternal life in Heaven to be with him forever. 1. John 15:13 (NIV). 2. Doug Batchelor, Broken Chains, Pacific Press 2004.     Cited on WITandWISDOM www.witandwisdom.org. *Joy has ridden in jeepneys when on a mission trip in the Philippines. They are old converted military jeeps.

My Space

Seems everyone has a myspace page of their own these days. I was no different. I *had* one as well. I deleted the account after I couldn't get their tech support to change the email since I didn't have access to the one I signed up with. The same auto-letter over and over. That's when the bomb blew up and my first and original myspace page was gone for good.

Now I am planning on building a new one. Do I even have the damned time to do this? Sheesh.

Stormy

BEWARE OF THIS EMAIL SCAM!! I CHECKED IT AT SNOOPS.COM! (WAS: From: Yahoo/MSN Email Draw; Subject line:Reply)

All you of know that I seldom pass out "beware" emails, but this just showed up in my inbox. I read it over and then quickly went onto www.snoops.com and did a search on it. Sure enough, there it was!!!   Since I am a member of both Yahoo and MSN, I didn't think anything of it being a scam until I started reading it.   Just wanted to let all my best buds know about this.   Love, Stormy     -------Original Message-------   From: YAHOO / MSN EMAIL DRAW Date: 3/28/2007 2:08:25 AM To: noticeboard@onlinepromo.org Subject: Reply   Yahoo/Msn Lottery Incoporation Baley House, Har Road Sutton, Greater London SM1 4te United Kingdom.   This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of One Million Great Britain Pounds Sterlings (£1,000,000.00) for the month of March 2007 Lottery promotion which is organized by YAHOO/MSN LOTTERY INC & WINDOWS LIVE.YAHOO/MSN & MICROSOFT WINDOWS, collects all the email addresses of the people that are active online, among the millions that subscribed to Yahoo and Hotmail we only select five people every Month as our winners through electronic balloting System without the winner applying,we congratulate you for being one of the people selected.You are to contact the events manager on or before your date of Claim, Winners Shall be paid in accordance with his/her Settlement Centre.Yahoo/Msn Lottery Prize must be claimed no later than 10 days from date of Draw Notification after the Draw date in which Prize has won. Any prize not claimed within this period will be forfeited.   Agent : Mr. John Woodsen Tel   : +44 70318 50676 Email :verificationdepartment@onlinepromo.org   These are your identification numbers: Identification number.....................CPEL/OWN/98755 Winning number...................YM09788   These numbers fall within your Location file, you are requested to contact the events manager, send your winning identification numbers to him,to enable him verify your claims.How ever you will have to fill and submit this form to the events manager for verification & direction on how you can claim your winning fund.   To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, you are to contact Mr.John with the followings details below:   CLAIMS DOCUMENTATION FORM. 1.FULL NAMES: 2.ADDRESS: 3.SEX: 4.AGE: 5.MARITAL STATUS: 6.OCCUPATION: 7.COMPANY NAME 8.E-MAIL ADDRESS: 9.TELEPHONE NUMBER: 10.STATE: 11.COUNTRY: 12.NEXT OF KIN: 13.HOW DO YOU FEEL AS A WINNER: 14.AMOUNT WON:   Thank you and Accept my hearty congratulations once again!   Yours faithfully, Mr. Sailer Paster   (Yahoo/Msn Lottery Games/Lottery Coordinator).

So what's going to happen next?

My body is falling apart. Seriously. If it's not one thing, it's a dozen others.

Went to the doc and so he puts me on blood pressure medicine. Great, another med to take on a daily basis. Then he drops the bomb on me...

He told me I *HAD* to cut all the stress and worry out of my life period. He said that I'm literally on the verge of a heart attack and/or a stroke. Great.

He also referred me to a surgeon for breast reduction. If there is less weight there then it will be easier on my back. I go in to see the surgeon on March 15th. I go see the pain doctor on the 6th. The 6th can't get here fast enough for me!!!

Steven leaves for basic training on June 3rd. I'm dreading it, but I will be okay. He will be coming back after nine weeks.

I have to have my surgery, if there is to be any, very soon so that I will be able to take care of Darrin on my own without Steven's help. The other two are around, but they don't really get in there and help me.

How does one avoid stress and worry when that is all their life is?

Stormy

Just some random thoughts...

Did ya get over the hump today or did you get buried under it? I wonder if they picked *seven* days for the calender instead of six or eight or whatever. The way it is now is a perfect seesaw. You have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday on one side, Wednesday is the thing the board sits on and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday on the other end.

I know that we've had an uncanny mild winter here up until now so I really have no right to bitch, but I'm going to do it anyway!!! It is too frigging cold here!!!!!

I can't even really go outside because it's so bitterly cold to me. And as soon as I step out the door it feels like the cold jumps into my body and tightly coils itself around the entire length of my spine. It seriously sucks.

Got a walker for Darrin coming tomorrow. I'm so glad!!! Now if the doctor would just hurry up and get that paperwork filled in so Darrin could get his wheelchair instead of having to use this little one that we have would be great.

All of my meds are ready for pick-up tomorrow. They were actually ready today but I told them I wasn't coming in to pick them up until Thursday. So I guess I will go do that sometime tomorrow.

Pay the rent, pay the bills, grocery shop, pick up meds, yadda, yadda, yadda. I hate the first day of the month. I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off (yes, a chicken's body can and will run around without it's head attached. My grandmother on my dad's side always chopped their heads off and then hung the dead birds on the clothesline by their feet.).

Damn. I haven't made the budget for this month either. I guess I need to do that.

Get a gander at our two boys that are still in high school... they had to wear their uniforms for JROTC today.






My babies grew up too fast.

Stormy

As Stormy's World Turns... Maybe it just tilts?

Long time, no see, eh?

It took forever for my account to put this blog on my dashboard. I sincerely hope I have that all fixed by now.

Well, Darrin has gotten much, much worse. He can't get in or out of the bed on his own any more. He can't get into or out of the bathtub on his own any more either.

He told me he absolutely hates feeling so helpless. I can sympathize with him. Lord knows I've been there and done that more times then I can count!!

I hate seeing him this way though. These diseases/disorders/or whatever is going on has just absolutely sapped all the life and energy out of him. He is a totally different man now then he was before all of this started happening.

He has to use a wheelchair now as well.

Our landlord is being kind enough to install safty bars in the bathroom for us and he ever offered to get one of those bars that just fit on the tub to aide in getting out.

When we first moved in I took out the safety strips that were in the tub and on the step of the tub. I wish I hadn't done that now. I guess I will just go buy one of those rubber mats that you put down into the tub each time you take a bath.

We have the safety strips in the shower stall though. I'm glad I didn't take those out of there. I didn't even think about taking them out of there because I knew it was safer to have them in there.

I am so pissed of at and frustrated with all the doctors at this point. They are not listening!!!! It's as if they just dismiss everything we tell them.

I need to find a specialist or a famed doctor and see if he/she can figure out what is going on. If it ends up being what I said it was in the first place I hope I can sue every damned doctor we have seen because I have told all of them what I think is going on and they dismiss me like I'm some kind of dumbass hick that doesn't know what I'm talking about.

I really do believe his spine is pushing into his brain and that is what is causing everything, damnit!!!!! He has all the same symptoms that this girl had and that is what was wrong and she'd been to several doctors who missed it or didn't think enough to check it out and it took five years for them to figure out what was going on with her and they did surgery on her and put a plate on the cervical spine to keep the head pulled up off the spine and she walked out of that hospital healthier then a damned horse, like none of it ever happened!!!!!

More tomorrow. It's already after 3 in the morning. Dang where did all that time go?

Song for the bipolar me. Fits me to a t.

Aerosmith Amazing I kept the right ones out And let the wrong ones in Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins There were times in my life When I was goin' insane Tryin' to walk through The pain When I lost my grip And I hit the floor Yeah, I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door I was so sick and tired Of a livin' a lie I was wishin' that I Would die It's Amazing With the blink of an eye you finally see the light It's Amazing When the moment arrives that you know you'll be all right It's Amazing And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation And how high can you fly with broken wings? Life's a journey not a destination And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings You have to learn to crawl Before you learn to walk But I just couldn't liten to all that righteous talk I was out on the street, Just a tryin' to survive

This is what we all should be singing LOUD and CLEAR!!!

BLACK EYED PEAS LYRICS "Where Is The Love?" What's wrong with the world, mama People livin' like they ain't got no mamas I think the whole world addicted to the drama Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism But we still got terrorists here livin' In the USA, the big CIA The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK But if you only have love for your own race Then you only leave space to discriminate And to discriminate only generates hate And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah Madness is what you demonstrate And that's exactly how anger works and operates Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight Take control of your mind and meditate Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all People killin', people dyin' Children hurt and you hear them cryin' Can you practice what you preach And would you turn the other cheek Father, Father, Father help us Send some guidance from above 'Cause people got me, got me questionin' Where is the love (Love) Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love) Where is the love The love, the love It just ain't the same, always unchanged New days are strange, is the world insane If love and peace is so strong Why are there pieces of love that don't belong Nations droppin' bombs Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug If you never know truth then you never know love Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know) Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know) Where's the love, y'all People killin', people dyin' Children hurt and you hear them cryin' Can you practice what you preach And would you turn the other cheek Father, Father, Father help us Send some guidance from above 'Cause people got me, got me questionin' Where is the love (Love) Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love) Where is the love (The love) Where is the love, the love, the love? I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder As I'm getting older, y'all, people gets colder Most of us only care about money makin' Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction Wrong information always shown by the media Negative images is the main criteria Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity Whatever happened to the fairness in equality Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found Now ask yourself Where is the love? Where is the love? Where is the love? Where is the love? Father, Father, Father help us Send some guidance from above 'Cause people got me, got me questionin' Where is the love? Sing wit me y'all: One world, one world (We only got) One world, one world (That's all we got) One world, one world And something's wrong wit it (Yeah) Something's wrong wit it (Yeah) Something's wrong wit the wo-wo-world, yeah We only got (One world, one world) That's all we got (One world, one world)

Already gone...

For every bit of good, comes a lot of bad.   For every bit of happiness, comes a lot of sad.   Why do I struggle to carry on? Why can't I just let go? Why doesn't it end? Ever??   I can't die. I'm already dead.

Catching Up

So wow, it's been far too long since I have blogged here. The main reason for that is when blogger switched over to google accounts. Just yesterday after several attempts and letters was I able to regain control of this blog. It was important to me to get this blog back as it is the one where I can let everything out and at the same time provide resources to any readers for Bipolar Disorder.   I am going to attempt to keep this blog up to date now. I'm writing from email to see if this works. I certainly hope that it does because that will make it so much easier for me to blog and stay up to date.   My granddaughter was born last Wednesday, Dec. 6, 2006. I haven't seen her and know nothing about her due to the mother and her family. My son is having a paternity test ordered that will force Melissa to bring in the baby for testing. Then we will get visitation rights and all of that. I called the hospital while she was in there but her mother answered the phone and promptly hung up on me. I expected as much.   Not being able to see her (Angel, my granddaughter) is tearing me apart. I'm grieving for her and I'm angry with that family, enraged would probably be a better word for what I feel towards Melissa and her family. I'm worried sick about the baby because I know what kind of condition their home is in and the fact that they got a 30 day eviction notice. They're using that baby as a meal ticket to not get thrown out because it's winter, to not get utilities turned off because it's winter and anything and everything else they can manage to soak out of the government and the churches since she had the baby and brought her home.   We've called child protection services on them, did that while they were still in the hospital and have also contacted legal aid here in Indiana plus the prosecutor's office and the Family Support office. We are doing all that we can to get visitation rights to start with and we *ARE* going for sole custody. With how Melissa acted during the pregnancy (taking drugs, smoking pot and tobacco, running around, refusing to eat the high calorie diet the doctor ordered and so much more) I honestly don't think it's going to be that hard to win sole custody. Right now, I would rather have the baby in a foster home then at their place with the iguana shitting everywhere because they let it run loose and the indoor/outdoor cats coming and going at will and getting up on the stove, the counter tops, the kitchen table and everywhere else they want. It's just not a healthy or safe environment for Angel. Not to mention Melissa's state certified (with papers stating so) psychotic father who is prone to very, very violent outbursts which has left members of that family physically hurt. He told all of us when we told them Melissa was pregnant that he didn't want the baby in his home. Now he is doing it for a free ticket to not get evicted, not get the utilities turned off, etc. plus out of spite for us. He is literally deranged in all senses of the word. I literally fear for the baby's well being - I fear for her very life!!!!!   And seriously, I'm not just saying these things about that family because I'm pissed off at them. What I am saying is the truth. I really wish it wasn't, but it is unfortunately.   I don't like the idea of taking a baby, even my granddaughter, away from her mother, but Melissa could care less about this child. She's 17 years old and is more interested in running around with every Tom, Dick, and Harry she meets. She did that throughout her pregnancy as well. The people that live around them and seen her on a daily basis told me that she looked like a corpse with a lump under her shirt just before having the baby. She was supposed to gain at least 30 pounds for the sake of the baby. She just absolutely refused. She gained all of 10 pounds!!! She even refused to wear maternity clothes. She wore her size ZERO jeans for the entire pregnancy and when she got a little pudgy in her stomach area she put rubber bands on the buttons of her jeans to hold them together so she could still wear them.   I bought this girl nice maternity clothing. Her father flat out refused to take her to any of her doctor appointments so I was taking her to all of those as well. I was even buying this girl food because her dad controlled what she got on her WIC vouchers and got the things HE wanted and would not get the things she wanted. He refused to get her any food that she wanted and so she didn't eat unless she ate at my house. I always fix large suppers that cover all the food groups with plenty of the vitamins and nutrients that are needed. I serve healthy food that tastes good. She loved my cooking and she was at my house almost 24/7 until she realized that I was serious about the fact that nothing I bought for the baby would go to her house. It would be used by the baby while at my home. We have told the boys this a million times and we told her that as soon as she even suspected that she was pregnant. I guess she thought I would give in, I don't know.   She just popped one night and told my son (father of the baby) that I said I was going to take the baby away from her. I never, ever said those words. What happened was that she overheard my session with my tdoc where I had said that I would, more then likely, be the one to take care of my granddaughter 99% of the time, which I wouldn't mind doing at all. When she come off with that, I called my tdoc and told her what had happened and told her the only way she could have heard anything possibly remote to that was while I was in session with her because when I come out Melissa was sitting in a chair along the wall that separates the waiting room from my tdoc's office and Dana (my son) was sitting across from her. I had no idea that they had even came into the waiting room until I left my session. I was shocked when I walked out and they were sitting in there. I knew immediately that she had heard what I had said.   Okay, time to hit send and see if this feature works on my blog. I hope it does. More later.   Stormy

Patriot Day - We shall never forget!

September 11, 2001. It changed every American in the world.

News of the terroist attacks circled the globe like wild fire. We mourned as one global nation. There were no country lines drawn that day, they'd all been erased.

I still get cold chills and even feel the horror of it all when the memory of watching the second plane fly into the other tower comes to the forefront of my mind.

My husband had just came home from working third shift and we sat, in stunned silence, while we watched the tragedy unfold itself in front of us like a living nightmare.

We were America! This wasn't supposed to happen here! This has to be a mistake! These types of things happened in other places in the world, not here.

Wake up America. We are not immune to terroists like we previously thought. We used to walk around, taking our safety for granted.

Do you look at strangers with more suspision now? Especially those of the Muslim faith? Those that dress differently due to their own cultures?

Are you scared of planes now?

I was scared of planes in the first place, but not when they were flying over my head. Now I'm scared when one just flies overhead. Not as much now as I was when it first happened, but still, my heart beats a little faster when I spot one flying around. Even a little personal plane will pump my paranoia up a notch.

"It can't happen here," is NOT in my vocabulary any longer. How about your's?

Stormy

Why?

I love the rain, but the moisture in the air doesn't love me. It leaves me in incredible pain throughout my body. It sucks. But I still love the thunderstorms and the pouring rain that pings off my roof and awnings. The sound is peaceful.

Why is it that so many of us afflicted with bipolar or any MI for that matter search, usually in vain, for peace? It's almost as if it is just unattainable no matter what we do.

I'm not sure what peace feels like. I don't know that I have ever experienced true peace. That makes me sad and it makes me jealous of those who knows what true peace feels like.

I've often asked myself, "Why was I given this lot in life? What did I do that would warrent such punishment?" I have yet to find the answer.

I often hear a voice in my head telling me I was given BP and all the other disorders and diseases I have so that I can help others who suffer with the same things. I *do* try my best to always help others. I strive to educate the ignorant. Education is key in shredding the stigmatisms held against mental illnesses.

But then there is another voice... a little softer... that says to me, "I don't know why you were picked to have all this crap."

It's that part I want to scream at. Or maybe scream with. Why does anyone have to deal with this shit? What is the purpose of it in the grand scheme of things? There is no purpose that I can come up with. But then I can't think of a purpose for any other disease/disorder either.

I wish mental illness could be wiped off the face of the planet! But that'll never happen. Unfortunately.

People who say, "Give it all up to God and you'll be cured!" grate on my last nerve. Religion has absolutely nothing to do with mental illness. Mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances within the brain. If God was going to cure all mental illness, don't you think it would have already happened?

Those that preach, "Give it all up to God," are the ones that you find just sitting around and waiting for a miricle. They're not out there doing something about their problems. They're waiting to have something done FOR them. And that is CRAP! After all, "God helps those that help themselves."

Sorry, didn't mean to go all religious on you.

Mental illness is as old as time. It's always been around and it probably always will be.

Stormy

Music really does soothe the savage beast

Not too long ago I read an article about how music helps to ease chronic pain and depression and depressive episodes.

There was a study done on it and it proved it.

So I decided to test this theory myself.

Normally I prefer to sit in silence as I work on the computer or what have you, but for the last two weeks I have made sure to listen to music for at least an hour each day (this is what the test subjects in the research did) and ya know what? It's helped. I can't say that it has helped a *lot*, but it has helped.

I've been having situational depressive episodes a lot lately as we are going through some pretty rough shit in my family with my husband being very ill (neurologically) and myself in pain. The stressors of bills, money, getting the car fixed, etc., have really taken their toll on me. But thank God I finally have a med cocktail that has me, for the most part, stable. I couldn't handle everything if I were still stuck in that deep, dark depression that I spent two solid years in. I just came out of it this past April.

I got a call from the new GP that I hired after firing our old family doctor today. They ran a few blood tests on me. It was confirmed that along with everything else, I have rhemotoid arthritis in all of my joints. Joy, joy, another Dx to add to my list.

I didn't get to see the NP that I was supposed to see last week for my psych med check-up, therefore I didn't get the Adderal like I was supposed to. The NP I was supposed to see called in on my appointment day. Figures.

The pdoc I *did* see however was awesome. I really, really liked her and we clicked immediately. She's only been there for two weeks and told me that she knows she will be there for another two weeks but she isn't sure if she is going to stay there or not. I hope she stays. She would be a huge benefit to the clinic.

So anyway, she wanted me to come back next week to see the NP I was supposed to see. The receptionist told me I would need to call to see if they could squeeze me in. *sigh* I hate that clinic. They constantly screw up appointments, lose charts and so much more. I honestly don't know how they stay in business unless it's because there is nowhere else for us MI persons to turn to in my area. That has to be the only reason.

I missed my appointment with my tdoc the other day. I was bummed out that I missed it. I really wanted to talk to her and update her on what is happening in my life. There is just so much stress. I don't know what good it would do though. I really don't.

If I find the link to the article on the music deal, I'll add it here to my blog.

Thanks for reading.

Stormy

A letter and more

I got a letter by snail mail today from our state representative in the U.S. House of Representatives in Washington, D.C.

In was in re of the email I sent to his office about the proposed cut in the funding of mental health.

It was nothing more then a load of double speak. Basically he said he'd mention it if he thought of it. He said the budget *had* to cut funds somewhere. Come on! Give me a break!

In other news, I recently fired my general practioner (family doctor) because his staff basically makes being one of his patients unbarable. Not to mention his practice has rolled so far down hill since 20 years ago that it is ridiculous. He used to actually care about his patients. Now when he walks into the exam room you are in, he doesn't see you as a person, all he sees are money signs sitting on his tables.

So anyway, I fired him on the 13th and reported him to Medicaid. I actually fired him through Medicaid. They are the ones who notified his office. Then to cover his own ass, his staff writes this letter that says, "I am resigning as your doctor, blah, blah, blah". The letter was dated on the 14th. Imagine that.

Well, he is obliged by law to still provide the meds I need refilled until HIS cutoff date of July 14th. I'm seeing the new doctor I chose on the 6th anyway, but anywho, I called in my prescription for the Duragesic patches I am on. I went in there today to pick up the prescription and walk across the hall to the pharmacy to have it filled.

Well the "Office Manager" called me back into an exam room. I had had an appointment with the doctor on the 13th, which was the day the straw broke the camel's back with me and I fired him. Well, on that day the doctor wanted me to take a urine test. No big deal.

Well today his office manager shows me this paper that said I didn't have ANY meds in me at all. No oxycodone, duh, the dr. refused to rewrite the script on the 13th; No hydrocodone, which is a flat out lie. I have to take them everyday and I end up running out about the middle of the month because he refuses to give me a stronger pain med so I take more of them then prescribed! But yeah, I KNOW there is hydrocodone in my system. No Soma, well hello, the last script of those I had was LAST month and I am out of them! And he even tested for my xanex and other mental health drugs and said none of those were in my system either which is another flat out lie. He is so full of shit it's no wonder his eyes are brown!!! It's not up to him to test me for my MI meds in the first damned place!!!!

That test was fixed by his office for some reason. Well, the reason is because his staff didn't want to have to deal with me anymore, that's the reason.

So I called Medicaid when I got home and put another formal complaint on him to add to their investigation of him and I am going to call the AMA tomorrow and file complaints as well.

So I will not be getting any of my pain meds until the 6th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you read that right. I will have to suffer with my back pain until then. The doctor's office I switched to had no openings until the 6th. She did say if they have a cancelation on the fifth that she would call so I could come in then.

I really hate doctors around here. All of them. They are not in the profession to help people any more. They are only interested in the money they get. *sigh*

Stormy

Just a little chitter chatter

Hi folks,

It's just me again. Comin' at'cha from Central Indiana where we have some really intense storms moving in fast.

I sit here and I hear the distant rumble of thunder. Haven't seen any lightening yet, but I am sure it's on it's way. The radar is promising a hellofa storm!

Yeah, sure, it makes my neck, back and legs hurt like the dickens, but it has been so humid here the last few days that we need the rain. I hope it will take the humidity down a notch or two but I am not going to hold my breath for that to happen. I've lived in this state for far too long to count on the weather doing anything you expect it to. -- Don't like the weather here in Indiana? Wait a few minutes, it'll change.

My husband, Darrin, is very ill. Something is wrong somewhere but the doctors have yet to figure out what it is.

He has suffered constant head pain for the last two years. Not headaches, mind you, just constant head pain that can't be relieved no matter what we try.

He's seen three different neurologists now, the family doctor we had before I fired him several times and now he has a sleep study going on tonight and has to see an Infectious Disease doctor on the 29th. Only after her (the infectious disease dr) report goes to the pain clinic will they treat him for the pain. The neurologist we consider to be our family neuro told us he expects the pain clinic to administer pain shots in Darrin's neck since all but two or three are bulging and degenerating.

Darrin had clear speech not even a month ago and now he stutters quite bad. It gets worse the more tired he is. He also has all over body weakness that gets worse the longer he stays up. So he stays in bed all the time except for maybe 6 hours of the morning. He really can't handle more then that.

So, okay, what has all this got to do with Bipolar Disorder?

It has to do with the fact that I have BP along with SEVERAL other diagnoses in the mental arena, but that I am STABLE FINALLY! I pray every day to allow the stability to last. I don't have the time to go back down. I just can't afford to. My family need me too much.

I have been taking my meds religiously.

Day before yesterday I made a horrible mistake though. I was hurting so bad that I was to the point of not being able to stand up and walk. So I took 100mg of Flexeril. OMG, don't EVER do that y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I have a HUGE tolerance to meds. Always have had. I can take four to five of my Loracet 10's and a few Somas to boot and it barely takes the edge off the pain. I seriously didn't think taking that much Flexeril would do that to me. I've taken 50mgs before and it didn't even phase me so me, in my own stupidity, figured 100 MIGHT work.

I started hallucinating pretty bad. Things were moving around on me that I knew, in my right mind, were not actually moving. I got very, very nauseated, I couldn't walk a straight line or anything so I went to bed and tried to sleep it off. Thing is, I had been taking pain meds all day long too. REALLY, REALLY BAD COMBINATION that I took on.

I slept and slept. Then yesterday I was too sick to even get out of the bed. I really let everyone down here yesterday. *sigh*

The heat made me pukey whenever I went into the bathroom as our bedroom is the only room that has A/C until the first of July when I will be getting and installing a 12,000 btu in the living room.

I feel better today. I got up at 6AM, went to the grocery here in town, picked up cigarettes, etc. and came back home.

I have one horrendous headache and my back is screaming right now. I'm going to take some pain pills and watch the storm roll in.

Stormy